Birth Trauma: Coping with Triggers

  

This morning I walked outside to grab the newspaper and felt the distinct autumn chill. It’s the same chill that has always made me smile because it’s paired with cozy sweaters, hot apple cider, and football. Then I took a breath. It wasn’t a breath of warm memories; it was suddenly a breath of fear and panic – an inhale that has become a familiar blend of sinking and stinging through my whole body.

“I’m okay.  I’m safe.”

It’s been years since my son’s traumatic birth, but every first scent of the season nearly sends me to my knees. I have done a tremendous amount of work with the trauma, yet my journey continues to be scattered with these triggers – these “rocks” on my path of healing. Rocks that I kick, boulders that I avoid, and pebbles that I hold lovingly in my hand.

Early on, the triggers were overwhelming. My mind easily fell back to my son’s birth and related events and it was difficult – sometimes impossible – to be in the present moment. I was fearful of what I may see, smell, feel or hear that would begin the flood of thoughts and images. Some triggers were more evident and I could prepare for them and work through them fairly quickly.  Other triggers were spontaneous and seemed to have the most power behind them. These were the times when it felt like someone put a fresh set of batteries in my mind – everything felt brighter, sharper, louder … scarier.

People tend to think triggers are negative things – obvious things from the trauma. Many of my triggers were items or experiences I had previously associated with happiness or pleasure – seeing pregnancy, a baby aisle at the store, or maternity clothing. Post-birth these things would jolt me and they became a source of avoidance and aversion.  They symbolized a tremendous amount of loss and disappointment. They reminded me how everything changed from calm to chaos in a handful of minutes.